God. Sex. Marriage. Healing.

            Well I am several months into my new life of celibacy. Originally I started with the idea of writing a blog every week but that seemed a bit much. Now I am going to blog every few weeks or when I have something to share. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. It is a day to love and be with the people that you love. In the past I would feel totally depressed about not spending the day with someone. But this year it is just another day. Scratch that- Valentine’s Day is also my momma’s birthday. I get to spend the day loving my momma from 500 miles away. I get to focus my love on someone that is the backbone of my life.

            I have been doing a lot of reading about celibacy. In blog one I stated that I was not doing this for religious reasons. Silly of me to think that at some point the path of celibacy and religion would not meet up. I don’t make New Year resolutions’ but I made one for this year. I promised myself that I would give God more time. I spend more time reading the word and seeking a greater understanding. I write more and spend a few minutes a day in a state of devotion. It is becoming like second nature to spend a few moments with my God. I am still not a fan of churches but I do believe in giving God his time. I recently came across an article on the Christianity Today website. The article was all about the history of sex in the covenant of marriage.

            “At the same time, I know of no greater failure among Christians than in presenting a persuasive approach to sexuality. Outside the church, people think of God as the great spoilsport of human sexuality, not its inventor. The pope utters pronouncements, denominations issue position papers, and many Christians ignore them and follow the lead of the rest of society. Surveys reveal little difference between church attenders and non-attenders in the rates of premarital intercourse and cohabitation. Surveys also show that many people have left their churches in disgust over hypocrisy about sex, especially when ministers fail to practice what they preach…..”

            “….The attempt to reduce human sex to a merely animal act, however, runs into unexpected problems. The more we learn about human sexuality, the more it differs from how the animals do it. Most obviously, humans come vastly over-equipped for sex. The human male has the largest penis of any primate, and the female is the only mammal whose breasts develop before her first pregnancy. Virtually all other mammals have a specified time in which the female is receptive, or in heat, whereas the human female can be receptive anytime, not just once or twice a year. In addition, the human species is one of very few in which females experience orgasm, and humans continue to have sex long after their child-bearing years have passed. Why are we so oversexed?

Relationship is the key. Human beings experience sex as a personal encounter, not just a biological act. We are the only species that commonly copulates face-to-face, so that partners look at each other as they mate, and have full-body contact. Unlike other social animals, humans prefer privacy for the act. In many species, females openly advertise their receptivity with swollen, colorful genitals, and the male and female mate in full view of the group. Relationship is the key. Human beings experience sex as a personal encounter, not just a biological act. We are the only species that commonly copulates face-to-face, so that partners look at each other as they mate, and have full-body contact. Unlike other social animals, humans prefer privacy for the act. In many species, females openly advertise their receptivity with swollen, colorful genitals, and the male and female mate in full view of the group.”

                “…..Confining sex to marriage does not guarantee that we will realize anything beyond physical gratification in our sex lives. It may, however, create an environment of safety, intimacy, and trust where the true meaning of sex, the sacramental meaning, may at times break through. Marriage provides the security we need to experience sex without restraint, apart from guilt, danger, or deceit. Teenagers worry that they will miss out on something if they heed the Bible's warnings against premarital sex. Actually, the warnings are there to keep them from missing out on something. Fidelity sets a boundary in which sex can run free.”

                “…….Marriage strips away the illusions about sex pounded into us daily by the entertainment media. Few of us live with oversexed supermodels. We live instead with ordinary people, men and women who get bad breath, body odors, and unruly hair; who menstruate and experience occasional impotence; who have bad moods and embarrass us in public; who pay more attention to our children's needs than our own. We live with people who require compassion, tolerance, understanding, and an endless supply of forgiveness. So do our partners. Such is the ironical power of sex: It lures us into a relationship that offers to teach us what we need far more—sacrificial love.”

                I have a greater understanding of what God wants for me. I understand his love for me and the desire to protect my spirit. Part of the reason for taking such a huge step back is to heal. I often joke that I am one bad relationship away from being bitter and jaded. I do not want that for myself. I am a hopeless romantic. I don’t ever want to give up on love. At some point I will enter a new relationship and I want to be mentally and emotionally ready. I want to be ready to trust someone with my heart.

Holy Sex

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2003/october/3.46.html

2012.....A year for great things

"The ultimate cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want the most for what you want at that moment." – Zig Ziglar

            Hello 2012! I am ready and waiting for all the wonderful things that this year will bring to my life. I had a wonderful holiday season back home in Tennessee with my family. Now that I am back in Chicago the winter weather is a bit depressing and my loneliness factor has kicked in. It is about to get really cold up here. Everything in the city slows down for the winter. With the winter loneliness come the thought of having someone special in my life or someone to warm up my bed and then hit the bricks.

            I avoided telling a guy I am celibate while I was at home. We went to a movie and I had a really nice time with him. His affections toward me during the movie were a bit of a shock. We have been friends for years but he never expressed any interest in me in that way. I was under the impression that I was just hanging with a friend that I hadn’t seen in over five years. We had to discuss the newfound affection and got it under control. We hung out a few more times. One evening after some liquid courage he put it all out there. He told me what he wanted and I left him thinking that I just wasn’t attracted to him. I felt bad for not being honest about my new lifestyle choice. Being strong enough to tell a man that sex is not an option is part of choosing to be celibate. Why didn’t I just tell him? Was I afraid of what he would say? Was I afraid he would think I was joking? I wish I had a clue. It is several weeks later and I am still wondering why I didn’t just tell him.

            I am still having very interesting conversations about choosing to be celibate. My friend Mark text me to say that he was thinking about being celibate until his birthday in March. I got really excited that a friend might join me on this journey. I suggested he pick an amount of time that would be a challenge for him. I told him to try the first 100 days of 2012. Today is January 11, 2012 and as of last night he still has not committed to the journey…..yet.

            Mark and I have been friends for as long as I have been in Chicago. We enjoy a lot of the same things. He is a very easy to be around. We can talk about any and everything. He is very honest about where he is in his life and I respect him for that. We had plans last night to meet up for dinner after work. I was running late and couldn’t get out the door. He was at the restaurant waiting for me. I asked him to order the food and meet me at my house. I got home and got settled from my hectic day. Mark arrived and we ate dinner and talked about my trip home. Mark is safe for me. He knows that I am celibate. He was the first person I talked to when it was just an idea floating around in my head. I can spend time with him and we can be affectionate towards one another in a nonsexual way and he respects my boundaries. I am not sure another guy would be as understanding as Mark. I am almost certain that another guy would have expectations for his time and kindness. I would hate for a guy to think that I am playing games when I let him know that sex is not an option. I don’t want to lead someone on.

            I was talking to my friend Vic and he was telling me about the young lady he is dating right now. She has decided to abstain from sex until she is in love. Then she and the guy will go and get tested together. I enjoy talking to Vic and hearing what it is like to date a girl who is celibate. He told me that the no sex part gets difficult sometimes. It is a fairly new relationship and even though they are not having sex he can see her clearly. He describes her as a blessing to his life.

            I am currently reaching the point where I have no desire for sex. Lately sex is just a moment. It is a song on Pandora or something on television or in a magazine. Then the moment passes. I think about sex all the time but it is not anything that I am willing to act upon.

I want to share a bit from a book that I read:

            “I like sex, but I love romance. I enjoy the journey even more than the destination sometimes. I like the touch of a woman. I like her scent. I like the passion of shared emotions. You can feel it in your stomach. It goes beyond the body, even. That’s the type of intimacy I crave. The best sex I’ve ever had has come when the woman and I have been aligned in our bodies and our spirits. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some good fucks---just trying shit, experimenting, having sex for sport. But when you get sex and love intertwined, you feel it all over your body. You feel it in parts of your body you didn’t even know you had.” From the book “One Day It’ll All Make Sense” By Common

            I wanted to share this because the moment I read it I felt instantly reassured that what I desire in a mate is out there. It was inspiring that a man could write so openly and honestly. I love how he just put it out there for the world. That paragraph is the best male perspective on love and sex that I have ever read. I have been there before. I have had the relationship where the intimacy was everything to me. When I stop to think about my most intimate moments it is nothing sexual. It was just our being together.

Intimacy: noun} 1.a state of being lovingly close 2.close, familiarity, warmth, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship

These are the first two definitions out of seven. Sexual intercourse is number five. There is so much more to intimacy than just sex.

Sex should be a benefit in a relationship, not the foundation.

When did you start? I have not shared with anyone the exact date that I started this journey. To the public I guess the start date is the day I published the first blog. The start date is not important. I don’t plan to do some big count down and pounce on someone on day 366. If someone comes into my life I don’t want to feel like they are counting down to something. If someone is in my life I want to know that they are around for the right reasons. Eventually true intentions will shine through. I am wondering if it would be better not to date.

Why a year? A year is a good and reasonable amount of time. A year will give room for lots of change in my life. I have never gone a whole year without having sex. I am trying to decide if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it does not matter. I am fully committed now. It will end up being longer than a year. Just because the year is up that does not mean I will jump someone. If and when I have sex again it will be with someone that means something to me. It will be with someone that I want to be a part of my life for a very long time. I have spent enough time chasing a feeling. It is time for something else.

Does “self-love” count as sex? Not in my book. Self-love does not involve any kind of outside influences.

What do you tell men when you go on dates? I haven’t been on any dates yet. I am not in the mood to date just yet. I recently ended a relationship and right now is a time of self-reflection. I will keep you guys posted on what happens if or when I start dating again.

Do you wait until sex comes up and then discuss your decision? Or do you lead with it to let them know what you are all about? Hello, my name is Jona and I am celibate is not how you start a conversation. If I meet someone I will let him know about my journey. I will let him know that my celibacy is about me. In a perfect world I will meet a guy who is also celibate and we will live happily ever after. SIKE! I am not crazy enough to expect someone to join me in this journey. Any man that is going to be around will have to be around for the right reasons. His intentions will be clear or he will walk away once he knows that the cookies are on LOCK. I am emotionally prepared for all situations that I may face.

What would be your advice to someone that wishes to do what you are doing? Think long and hard about if you really want to make this kind of commitment. Be ready to explain your decision to anyone that might asks. Look at where you are at in your life. Make sure your doing it for the right reasons. It took me several months before I was certain that I wanted to do this. Right now it is very easy. I am not dating. I am not looking to date. No one else is being affected by my decision. If I were in a relationship I think it would be much harder. I won’t be putting myself in sexual situations. I think it would be difficult to be celibate after a bottle of wine while getting a naked massage.

When is it a good time to tell someone that sex is not an option? I am curious to know how someone will react. I have small moments where I miss being close to someone. It is only natural to crave intimacy. When I think about what I miss the most from my past relationships its clear that I miss the intimacy more than I miss the sex.

Revealing the past to protect the future…….

There is something very therapeutic about writing this blog. This is kind of healing. I am revealing bits of the past so that I can set myself free.

Growing up I was never preached to about sex. It was never demanded that I remain a virgin until marriage. When sex became a conversation it was simple, brutal, and honest. My father said he would kill me if I came home pregnant. My first attempt at having sex was at sixteen years old. He had no idea what he was doing. Every time he attempted to make his move I moved back. Eventually, I fell between the bed and the wall. I was mortified and that was the end of that. My virginity was not going anywhere. I knew that was not the right time for me and he was not the right guy. After that failed attempt I was even more terrified of sex. At eighteen years old I finally had sex. I was tired of being afraid. I was tired of hearing everyone around me talk about sex. I chose to have sex with someone that I was not in love with. I did not want to give someone that power over me. I picked a friend that I knew would make sure I was ok. I knew that he genuinely cared about me and that was most important. He was a bit older and more experienced. It was exactly what I wanted it to be.

Previously I mentioned that I had been thinking about being celibate for a while. One of the hold ups on making it official was that in August I started a long distance relationship. I was apprehensive but I went into the relationship being optimistic. I have never been in a long distance relationship. I have always said that I would never want my partner to be hundreds of miles away. I expressed my reservation in the beginning. In my heart I really thought things would be different. We had been friends for over 10 years. I felt like we had a good foundation to build on. By October the relationship had crashed and burned. I had done the emotional tug of war between my brain and my heart. Somewhere along the way I stopped wanting to share myself. I was able to see the downfall of my partner. I was also able to minimize my intake of being hurt. My clarity was not clouded by sex. With each disappointment I could feel myself withdrawing emotionally. Now, I can see that it was self-preservation. I protect my core-self fearlessly. I have never regretted walking away from a man.

            I have gone through periods of celibacy before. It was something that just happened because the man in my life was not making me feel like I wanted or needed to be intimate. It is all pretty basic. You meet a man and as long as he does not act like a baboon eventually the clothes will come off.

            In a few months sex will be a fleeting thought. I still feel desire. I still crave intimacy but I am focusing on things that are more important. I am making bigger plans for my future. I am managing and moving my life towards the things I want most. My dreams of the future have not changed. I still want to get married and have a family. In some way I feel like I am protecting that future.

The beginning......

                First let me say that if your reading this blog then you know it is about sex or lack thereof in this case. I will share some details about my sexual past so that you can understand how I came to this point in my life. Choosing celibacy is for my own personal growth. This has nothing to do with religion. I do not think that I will become re-virginized by going a year without sex. I could easily take this journey in silence but I hope that sharing it will help someone else see that change can be good. Sharing the journey will also give me an extra kick of determination to see it through. The goal is simple. I will go 365 days or longer without sex. The 365 days will come and go. Eventually it will not be about not having sex. It will become something so much bigger than sex and myself. I am not 100% sure exactly what that will be but I am ready to find out.

            I need to regain the true meaning of sex. I have become completely detached from what it means to give my body to someone. In many ways I have become numb to sex. Somewhere along the way I lost what it means to connect with the person. I lost what it means to desire someone beyond just the sexual.  It is not my proudest moment. But it is my truth and I must fully embrace it. I am ready to change. I have often mistaken my desire for intimacy as a desire for sex. Those are two very different things. I crave intimacy more than anything. I have reached a point in my life where sex doesn’t matter. If you are not connecting then what is the point of going through the motions?

            I have been thinking about doing this for a few months. I believe it was in June or July when I first had the idea of giving up sex. I shared the ideas with a few friends and got some very mixed reactions. My friend Vic wanted an exact definition for NO SEX. Apparently self-love is sex in his eyes. My friend Mark has been the most opinionated about my new lifestyle choice. But he is also very encouraging. I have asked a few friends to join me in my vow and they declined my invitation. Once upon a time I would have called myself crazy for even thinking about going a year without sex. Now, it does not even seem so farfetched.

            I did a lot of thinking about this during my recent birthday vacation to Monterey. I stood at the edge of the ocean and felt small and insignificant to the world. I felt powerless to the waves of the ocean. I sat at the ocean and wrote about everything that I want in my life. I believe that when you really want something you have to speak over it. Just going after it is not always enough. Speaking that dream into the world gives it more power. I speak over the things that I want most in my life. I spoke over being celibate. Along the way little things kept showing me that I was speaking in the right direction. Seeing those signs was just another push of encouragement. Today is November 20, 2011 and I am ready to fully commit to this journey.