Revealing the past to protect the future…….

There is something very therapeutic about writing this blog. This is kind of healing. I am revealing bits of the past so that I can set myself free.

Growing up I was never preached to about sex. It was never demanded that I remain a virgin until marriage. When sex became a conversation it was simple, brutal, and honest. My father said he would kill me if I came home pregnant. My first attempt at having sex was at sixteen years old. He had no idea what he was doing. Every time he attempted to make his move I moved back. Eventually, I fell between the bed and the wall. I was mortified and that was the end of that. My virginity was not going anywhere. I knew that was not the right time for me and he was not the right guy. After that failed attempt I was even more terrified of sex. At eighteen years old I finally had sex. I was tired of being afraid. I was tired of hearing everyone around me talk about sex. I chose to have sex with someone that I was not in love with. I did not want to give someone that power over me. I picked a friend that I knew would make sure I was ok. I knew that he genuinely cared about me and that was most important. He was a bit older and more experienced. It was exactly what I wanted it to be.

Previously I mentioned that I had been thinking about being celibate for a while. One of the hold ups on making it official was that in August I started a long distance relationship. I was apprehensive but I went into the relationship being optimistic. I have never been in a long distance relationship. I have always said that I would never want my partner to be hundreds of miles away. I expressed my reservation in the beginning. In my heart I really thought things would be different. We had been friends for over 10 years. I felt like we had a good foundation to build on. By October the relationship had crashed and burned. I had done the emotional tug of war between my brain and my heart. Somewhere along the way I stopped wanting to share myself. I was able to see the downfall of my partner. I was also able to minimize my intake of being hurt. My clarity was not clouded by sex. With each disappointment I could feel myself withdrawing emotionally. Now, I can see that it was self-preservation. I protect my core-self fearlessly. I have never regretted walking away from a man.

            I have gone through periods of celibacy before. It was something that just happened because the man in my life was not making me feel like I wanted or needed to be intimate. It is all pretty basic. You meet a man and as long as he does not act like a baboon eventually the clothes will come off.

            In a few months sex will be a fleeting thought. I still feel desire. I still crave intimacy but I am focusing on things that are more important. I am making bigger plans for my future. I am managing and moving my life towards the things I want most. My dreams of the future have not changed. I still want to get married and have a family. In some way I feel like I am protecting that future.

The beginning......

                First let me say that if your reading this blog then you know it is about sex or lack thereof in this case. I will share some details about my sexual past so that you can understand how I came to this point in my life. Choosing celibacy is for my own personal growth. This has nothing to do with religion. I do not think that I will become re-virginized by going a year without sex. I could easily take this journey in silence but I hope that sharing it will help someone else see that change can be good. Sharing the journey will also give me an extra kick of determination to see it through. The goal is simple. I will go 365 days or longer without sex. The 365 days will come and go. Eventually it will not be about not having sex. It will become something so much bigger than sex and myself. I am not 100% sure exactly what that will be but I am ready to find out.

            I need to regain the true meaning of sex. I have become completely detached from what it means to give my body to someone. In many ways I have become numb to sex. Somewhere along the way I lost what it means to connect with the person. I lost what it means to desire someone beyond just the sexual.  It is not my proudest moment. But it is my truth and I must fully embrace it. I am ready to change. I have often mistaken my desire for intimacy as a desire for sex. Those are two very different things. I crave intimacy more than anything. I have reached a point in my life where sex doesn’t matter. If you are not connecting then what is the point of going through the motions?

            I have been thinking about doing this for a few months. I believe it was in June or July when I first had the idea of giving up sex. I shared the ideas with a few friends and got some very mixed reactions. My friend Vic wanted an exact definition for NO SEX. Apparently self-love is sex in his eyes. My friend Mark has been the most opinionated about my new lifestyle choice. But he is also very encouraging. I have asked a few friends to join me in my vow and they declined my invitation. Once upon a time I would have called myself crazy for even thinking about going a year without sex. Now, it does not even seem so farfetched.

            I did a lot of thinking about this during my recent birthday vacation to Monterey. I stood at the edge of the ocean and felt small and insignificant to the world. I felt powerless to the waves of the ocean. I sat at the ocean and wrote about everything that I want in my life. I believe that when you really want something you have to speak over it. Just going after it is not always enough. Speaking that dream into the world gives it more power. I speak over the things that I want most in my life. I spoke over being celibate. Along the way little things kept showing me that I was speaking in the right direction. Seeing those signs was just another push of encouragement. Today is November 20, 2011 and I am ready to fully commit to this journey.