Revealing the past to protect the future…….

There is something very therapeutic about writing this blog. This is kind of healing. I am revealing bits of the past so that I can set myself free.

Growing up I was never preached to about sex. It was never demanded that I remain a virgin until marriage. When sex became a conversation it was simple, brutal, and honest. My father said he would kill me if I came home pregnant. My first attempt at having sex was at sixteen years old. He had no idea what he was doing. Every time he attempted to make his move I moved back. Eventually, I fell between the bed and the wall. I was mortified and that was the end of that. My virginity was not going anywhere. I knew that was not the right time for me and he was not the right guy. After that failed attempt I was even more terrified of sex. At eighteen years old I finally had sex. I was tired of being afraid. I was tired of hearing everyone around me talk about sex. I chose to have sex with someone that I was not in love with. I did not want to give someone that power over me. I picked a friend that I knew would make sure I was ok. I knew that he genuinely cared about me and that was most important. He was a bit older and more experienced. It was exactly what I wanted it to be.

Previously I mentioned that I had been thinking about being celibate for a while. One of the hold ups on making it official was that in August I started a long distance relationship. I was apprehensive but I went into the relationship being optimistic. I have never been in a long distance relationship. I have always said that I would never want my partner to be hundreds of miles away. I expressed my reservation in the beginning. In my heart I really thought things would be different. We had been friends for over 10 years. I felt like we had a good foundation to build on. By October the relationship had crashed and burned. I had done the emotional tug of war between my brain and my heart. Somewhere along the way I stopped wanting to share myself. I was able to see the downfall of my partner. I was also able to minimize my intake of being hurt. My clarity was not clouded by sex. With each disappointment I could feel myself withdrawing emotionally. Now, I can see that it was self-preservation. I protect my core-self fearlessly. I have never regretted walking away from a man.

            I have gone through periods of celibacy before. It was something that just happened because the man in my life was not making me feel like I wanted or needed to be intimate. It is all pretty basic. You meet a man and as long as he does not act like a baboon eventually the clothes will come off.

            In a few months sex will be a fleeting thought. I still feel desire. I still crave intimacy but I am focusing on things that are more important. I am making bigger plans for my future. I am managing and moving my life towards the things I want most. My dreams of the future have not changed. I still want to get married and have a family. In some way I feel like I am protecting that future.