"The ultimate cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want the most for what you want at that moment." – Zig Ziglar
Hello 2012! I am ready and waiting for all the wonderful things that this year will bring to my life. I had a wonderful holiday season back home in Tennessee with my family. Now that I am back in Chicago the winter weather is a bit depressing and my loneliness factor has kicked in. It is about to get really cold up here. Everything in the city slows down for the winter. With the winter loneliness come the thought of having someone special in my life or someone to warm up my bed and then hit the bricks.
I avoided telling a guy I am celibate while I was at home. We went to a movie and I had a really nice time with him. His affections toward me during the movie were a bit of a shock. We have been friends for years but he never expressed any interest in me in that way. I was under the impression that I was just hanging with a friend that I hadn’t seen in over five years. We had to discuss the newfound affection and got it under control. We hung out a few more times. One evening after some liquid courage he put it all out there. He told me what he wanted and I left him thinking that I just wasn’t attracted to him. I felt bad for not being honest about my new lifestyle choice. Being strong enough to tell a man that sex is not an option is part of choosing to be celibate. Why didn’t I just tell him? Was I afraid of what he would say? Was I afraid he would think I was joking? I wish I had a clue. It is several weeks later and I am still wondering why I didn’t just tell him.
I am still having very interesting conversations about choosing to be celibate. My friend Mark text me to say that he was thinking about being celibate until his birthday in March. I got really excited that a friend might join me on this journey. I suggested he pick an amount of time that would be a challenge for him. I told him to try the first 100 days of 2012. Today is January 11, 2012 and as of last night he still has not committed to the journey…..yet.
Mark and I have been friends for as long as I have been in Chicago. We enjoy a lot of the same things. He is a very easy to be around. We can talk about any and everything. He is very honest about where he is in his life and I respect him for that. We had plans last night to meet up for dinner after work. I was running late and couldn’t get out the door. He was at the restaurant waiting for me. I asked him to order the food and meet me at my house. I got home and got settled from my hectic day. Mark arrived and we ate dinner and talked about my trip home. Mark is safe for me. He knows that I am celibate. He was the first person I talked to when it was just an idea floating around in my head. I can spend time with him and we can be affectionate towards one another in a nonsexual way and he respects my boundaries. I am not sure another guy would be as understanding as Mark. I am almost certain that another guy would have expectations for his time and kindness. I would hate for a guy to think that I am playing games when I let him know that sex is not an option. I don’t want to lead someone on.
I was talking to my friend Vic and he was telling me about the young lady he is dating right now. She has decided to abstain from sex until she is in love. Then she and the guy will go and get tested together. I enjoy talking to Vic and hearing what it is like to date a girl who is celibate. He told me that the no sex part gets difficult sometimes. It is a fairly new relationship and even though they are not having sex he can see her clearly. He describes her as a blessing to his life.
I am currently reaching the point where I have no desire for sex. Lately sex is just a moment. It is a song on Pandora or something on television or in a magazine. Then the moment passes. I think about sex all the time but it is not anything that I am willing to act upon.
I want to share a bit from a book that I read:
“I like sex, but I love romance. I enjoy the journey even more than the destination sometimes. I like the touch of a woman. I like her scent. I like the passion of shared emotions. You can feel it in your stomach. It goes beyond the body, even. That’s the type of intimacy I crave. The best sex I’ve ever had has come when the woman and I have been aligned in our bodies and our spirits. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some good fucks---just trying shit, experimenting, having sex for sport. But when you get sex and love intertwined, you feel it all over your body. You feel it in parts of your body you didn’t even know you had.” From the book “One Day It’ll All Make Sense” By Common
I wanted to share this because the moment I read it I felt instantly reassured that what I desire in a mate is out there. It was inspiring that a man could write so openly and honestly. I love how he just put it out there for the world. That paragraph is the best male perspective on love and sex that I have ever read. I have been there before. I have had the relationship where the intimacy was everything to me. When I stop to think about my most intimate moments it is nothing sexual. It was just our being together.
Intimacy: noun} 1.a state of being lovingly close 2.close, familiarity, warmth, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship
These are the first two definitions out of seven. Sexual intercourse is number five. There is so much more to intimacy than just sex.
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